The Time I Said "Stop"

In case you missed it, #yesallwomen was trending on twitter last week. As I scrolled through, reading the stories, realities, and fears of other women, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why does this hashtag even need to be a thing? Why are we, as women, forced to live in fear and left feeling guilty after we are violated?

Via

Women's rights, rape culture, slut-shaming, etc. have been hot topics for awhile, and they should be. It's important! I've especially noticed it popping up lately with the whole Elliot Rodger thing and the #yesallwomen twitter trend. When tragedies happen people always go a little crazy, but scrolling through #yesallwomen makes it very clear that sexual assault is something most women fear every single day.

By age 18, 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused.* How scary is that?! Why are women so often viewed as sexual objects without the right to make our own choices about who touches us and when? It honestly just blows my mind and absolutely disgusts me how much this happens. Women have to wear shorts under their dresses when they go to bars, and have to "watch out" if they choose to crowd surf at a concert. Why does that happen?! Why would anyone touch a woman who didn't give them permission? I really, seriously cannot even fathom that mindset. I've experienced this kind of behavior in my own life, and I doubt that there's one woman who hasn't. Cat calls, getting grabbed at parties, being told that I 'owed' someone sex for one reason or another- these are all things that have happened to me numerous times, and they aren't even the memories that stick with me.

I've shared this story with very few people in my real life, so the fact that I'm about to share it with the whole blog world is a little insane. Don't be surprised if I chicken out and take it down later.

When I was a freshman in college a guy I'd known for awhile asked me on a date. He was a nice guy and we had a lot of mutual friends, so I went. We didn't live in a very fun town so our "date" was just a movie at his place, which was typical where I went to school. After hanging out for a few hours he kissed me, and I was okay with that. I was having a good time, and I am the kind of girl who kisses on the first date, so yes, we were kissing. When his hands started to move south that's when I got uncomfortable. I pushed him away, and he just did it again. After pushing him away multiple times I realized he wasn't getting the hint. I started to say "stop," but he wasn't stopping. He had his hands in my pants, and no matter how many times I pushed him away or how forcefully I said stop, he wasn't stopping. He didn't, in fact, until I burst into tears. He started apologizing, saying that he didn't know what I meant, that he was sorry. It didn't matter though. He'd touched me when I didn't want him to, when I said that I didn't want him to, and that's not okay. I didn't know what to do. I should have insisted that he take me home right then, I should have called a friend, I should have driven myself in the first place, but I didn't do any of those things. I ended up crying myself to sleep on his bed that night.

I remember the next day, after he finally did take me home, I felt like I was living outside my body. I was screaming inside my head and feeling like a zombie on the outside. I was so ashamed that I let myself be in that situation and afraid of what my friends would say if I told them, so I was left dealing with it inside my own mind. I had gym class that day, and I got yelled at by the professor for not being focused. When I burst into tears right in the middle of the weight room, he yelled at me again. I felt more alone that day than I'd ever felt.

Via

When I think back to that incident, I want to kick myself for not doing anything, for not sticking up for myself. After that night he acted like everything was perfectly normal; he even tried to kiss me in the car the next morning. He kept talking to me in class, or hugging me when he saw me on campus. I usually ignored him and I never hugged him back, but I don't think he even noticed (big surprise there, right?). I should have said something, told him that everything wasn't okay and what he did was a big deal. I often wonder if he ever thinks about that night, or if he still feels as sorry as he said he was. I doubt it. I was able to snap back to normalcy pretty easily after that first day, but I'll never forget that experience and he probably hasn't thought about it since.

No, I wasn't raped. I wasn't attacked or physically assaulted, and what i went through wasn't nearly as bad as what a lot of women have gone through, but it's something that I never, ever want to happen to me again. Most importantly, it's something that shouldn't have happened in the first place. When a woman says stop she shouldn't have to repeat herself.




*Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006
I also want to note that by age 18, 1 in 6 boys have been sexually abused. Child sexual abuse is a serious issue for both genders, but today we're just talking about #yesallwomen

Defeated

I didn't post yesterday. Well I did, because I've been trying to challenge myself to post every day, but it was just a baby post telling you how completely defeated I feel. And when I said defeated I completely hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. Defeated, unhappy, and whatever the opposite of content is.

I'd be a lot more content if the weather would stay as nice as it was Friday!

I feel so frustrated that I worked so damn hard to get to where I am right now, and somehow I still have nothing. I went to college, I landed my dream job, and I even snagged a hot guy to stand by my side through the process. And now here I am with a degree and job and a boyfriend, and yet I make less money than a Sheetz employee and I dread going to work everyday, I have no place to live, I've got thousands of dollars in college debt, and I never even see my boyfriend. How did I end up here?

I've been trying to make the best of the situation I'm in, but the reality of how unhappy I am with everything just hangs over my head like a big dark cloud. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong decision taking this job. I thought that it would help me reach my goals- it would give me experience and money and eventually I could move back to Charlotte and get a better job. But I guess I didn't realize just how little money my paycheck was, or how unorganized my agency would be, or just how lonely this town would be, or just how damn hard it would be to find an apartment. Or just how much I'd miss my boyfriend, either.

I guess I'm just in a rut. There's good things, too, like my mom only being 2 hours away from me and the genuine happiness I feel when I work with clients. It's just really hard to focus on only the good lately, and keep my mind off all the crap.

This has been a little rambley today, so I apologize for that. I usually try to keep this space upbeat. I'll try to be more glass half full tomorrow! Here's a kitten to make it happier:

 Do you ever feel down & defeated? How do you deal?

An Open Letter on Our Anniversary

Or two weeks later, same diff.

February 19, 2014 marked four years that Sam and I have been together, and it's been four of my favorite years so far. Every year I write Sam a letter looking back on the last year, looking forward to the future, and just explaining how much I appreciate him. So, without future ado: a (slightly edited) copy of the letter I gave him this year! And my title still counts since I actually wrote it then, right?

Sam,

four years in and I am more in love with you than I ever thought I would be. It still blows my mind to think about what this relationship has grown into. I don't think I could accurately put into words how happy you and your kitty make me, but you both bring so much joy into my life and you can brighten even the cloudiest of days. I am so thankful for you both.

This past year we spent more time apart than we did together- in fact we hardly spent any of it together. Being away from you has been a challenge, but it's also been a blessing. There have been times where it's been tough- where I've missed you so much it hurt, or when the only thing I wanted in the world was your arms around me. Along with the bad, however, there's been experiences I wouldn't trade for all the days in the universe. The kisses have been sweeter, the hugs have been longer, and every minute spent with you over the last year was much more appreciated. Being long distance gave our relationship the opportunity to change, for better or worse, and luckily I've been very pleased with the results.

My favorite memory from the past year was definitely when I came to visit you in July. I had the best time with you, and you really spoiled me with your big surprise. It was also pretty awesome living near you for those two months- I wish it hadn't been so short lived!

I honestly have no idea what our future holds, but I'm really excited to find out. I'm hoping to spend a million more years with you at least, but if we broke up tomorrow I'd always know that not a single day was wasted, because this relationship has given me so much and has been so special to me. There's no one I'd rather share the last four years or the rest of my life with.

You are my boyfriend, my best friend, my biggest support, and my greatest inspiration. I love you so much, and I can't wait to spend today by your side. Happy four years!

Love,

My Blog is for Me

Over the last couple months I've been trying to figure out how to make myself commit to blogging. I just never felt like putting in the work anymore. I thought the answer was to make it a daily habit, schedule all my posts the weekend before, buy a planner, watch less Teen Mom so I had more time... but I don't think that was it.  Those things would help, but they wouldn't fix the problem. The most important thing I had to do to make myself blog was to want to blog.

I started wondering the other day: I know I love blogging, but do I love my blog? Am I truly happy with what it is and what it's brought me? And I think the answer is no. I have loved the connections it's brought me, but I don't think I love my blog.

When I started this blog- and I don't mean this blog as you know it, I mean way way back- I started it 100% for me. As a space to write for just me. I didn't even care if anyone read it, I just wanted a space to put my thoughts out there. That really didn't do much for me, and I gave up after, like, a day. Then I discovered the whole blogging community out there. I learned that you could make friends, and money, and have fans, and that there were actually people out there who wanted to read about your life- like a reality show, but in writing. That was when I started blogging again. I enjoyed the whole thing a lot more, but the blog lost it's diary-esque element I had once wanted from it.

I got too focused on making friends, and money, and having fans. I wrote lots of fluffy posts that I thought bloggers were "supposed" to write. When my blog wasn't growing as quickly as I wanted, I got bored. I still wanted to blog, but I couldn't make myself sit down and do it. Eventually I just started blowing it off all together until I got to the point that I thought I couldn't come back. But what I'm realizing now is, I can come back whenever I want. I can write whatever I want. This is my blog, and it really doesn't matter what anyone says or doesn't say. Even if no one reads it I can still write it. I want to write for personal enjoyment, pride, and to teach myself to step outside my comfort zone. If I'm getting something out of writing a post then that is a success. Readership is not what makes my blog successful.

My goal for this little blog of mine is to make it more reflective of who I am. I'm going to stop focusing on goals, and stats, and writing what I think people want to read. I want this blog to be less fluffy and more real, raw, and more of an extension of who I am. Who cares how many comments I get and how many blog friends I make? Okay, well I do, but I truly believe those things will come if I stop trying to make it happen and just start writing from my heart.

Thanks to Erin for the advice and for helping me realize where I wanted my blog to go from here, even if I did just read what you said and then go off in some completely random direction!

Marry Me

Marry Me

You’ve heard the song “Marry Me” by Jason Derulo, right? I love it. It’s basically like “Hey girl…” So responsible, right? Much unlike Train’s song by the same name that’s basically  like “Hey girl, I’m totally head-over-heels in love with you and I just want to spend  every second of the rest of my life with you so please marry me. Oh, and my name is Pat. Nice to meet you.” (But don’t get me wrong, I love that song, too.)

But back to Mr. Derulo, I love it because it’s something I can relate to. There are always posts around the blog world about getting married young, getting married early, and getting married to the person you love more than anything in the world. And that’s great, but I personally believe in dating for a long time, getting to know one another and what you both want out of life, still loving them more than anything in the world, and then making the commitment to get married.

Sam and I have been together for almost four years now, and it will be at least another two until we say “I do.” (More if he gets his way). But you know what? That’s okay with me. When you really get down to it, four years (or six years) is not that long, and every year that we spend together we learn more about one another, grow in our relationship, and fall further in love. I am in no rush to get married. I realized a long time ago that I wanted to wait until I was both personally and financially stable before I added a man to the mixture.

When Sam and I do finally tie the knot, I know I’ll feel confident about our life together. Since we started dating, Sam and I have developed the same ideas about parenting, where we want to buy a house, politics, etc. And on top of that, anything that we don’t agree on I know we can work out, because we’ve already had four years of practice. I truly can’t imagine meeting someone in college and then getting engaged just weeks or months later, because marriage is a huge commitment and I want to know without a doubt that they are someone I can spend forever with; it takes a while to know something like that! Plus, Sam and I are enjoying the independent and single(ish) life right now!

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with getting married quickly, and I’m certainly not saying that I don’t believe it can work, but Jason Derulo’s version of “Marry Me” is just what works for me, no matter how romantic Train’s version sounds.

Now, with all of this said, I have a big girl job, and Sam has a big boy job, and I’m very confident we can successfully spend the rest of our lives together, so he can put a ring on it anytime. 

*Cough cough hint hint cough*

I Wouldn't Wish it on Any Dog

This is Taylor, my sweet pup. Taylor is 8 years old. She loves barking, being petted and cuddled, and eating cat food. She hates thunderstorms, going outside to go potty, and whenever the cats get attention.

One more important thing about Miss Taylor: she has Lyme disease. This has been an incredibly sad thing to watch her go through. Lyme disease has mainly affected Taylor's joints and muscles.  She trips and falls often, and if she stays on her feet for too long her back legs give out. Taylor loves going for walks, but she can't walk walk farther than to the end of the block and back before her legs start to give out. There's been many times that she had to be carried home because she couldn't walk any farther on her own, and she is not a small dog, by the way. Taylor has always had difficulty going up stairs- they freak her out, but now she can't even go down the stairs without falling; poor baby.

This is a terrible picture, but you can see how she can't really
get her legs up and under her when she's trying to stand

Imagine watching your dog tumble down the porch steps every time she has to go potty. Imagine seeing your dog run after something with her back legs dragging behind her. Imagine being woken up in the middle of the night because your dog fell and she can't get up. These are all things I've experienced, and watching her struggle is absolutely devastating.

"Gimme that treat!"

Lyme disease is such a horrible illness, and I would never want any dog to go through what Taylor is going through. That's why it is so important to do everything you can to prevent Lyme disease in your dog.

• Pet, cuddle, and brush your dog often- this is the best way to check for ticks. For the bacteria that causes Lyme to be passed to your dog, the infected tick has to be attached for 48 hours. It is so important to find the tick and remove it asap!
• Always medicate your pet for fleas and ticks; never skip a month. Not only will a monthly dose of Frontline protect your dog from Lyme disease, it will keep her (and you) from itchy flea bites!
• Don't leave your dog outside to be bitten by ticks! We have pets so that we can love them; so what's the point of having a dog who never comes in the house to be loved? Dogs love their people, and they want to be inside with us where it is safe.
• If your dog is acting out of the ordinary take her to the vet immediately! This is a must for any illness, but it can be extremely effective for Lyme disease. Most dogs who's Lyme is caught early and treated are symptom free and healthy within a year. Unfortunately this hasn't been the case for Taylor, but it could be for your dog.

"No pictures, please!"

Keep your dog healthy, and prevent Lyme disease! For more info, check out this site, where I got my facts :)

And now that I'm done being all serious & depressing over here, head over to  Dog Hair is an Accessory and Understated Whimsy's Tall Tails link-up and look at some cute pet posts! (Not that Taylor isn't cute, of course!)

Friday Favorites

Oh hey. Now that Friday is practically over, I thought I should probably go ahead and post. I may never get the hang of this "posting on time" thing...

In honor of, well, Friday I've decided to link up for 5 on Friday to bring you my favorite 5 things from today!

1) The tan I got at the beach today- yes please! It's about time I got a little color :)

2) The tie-dye shirt I made with my cousin & wore today! I'm really kind of in love.

I tried to get a picture where I was actually wearing it,
but I spent all day at the beach so I look kind of ugly

3) My gold nail polish finally came in the mail today! Again, kind of in love. It's so shiny and pretty, & the fact that it was free doesn't hurt either!

Hand model alert!

4) The Bath & Body Works sale that's been going on forever now. Full-sized Midnight Pomegranate spray for 3.50? Yes please.

5) That Same Love plays on the radio. Seriously, it makes me tear up every. single. time. I feel so lucky to be apart of the change that is happening right now, and I can't wait for this all to just be a part of history. Trust me, there will come a day that gay marriage is a non-issue, and there's equality for all. And I cannot wait.

And on that note, let's #backthatazzup!